Dealing With The Last Month

Did I fall asleep and forgot to get up because tonight while I was sitting here doing my bills I realized that it is a month today that mom has been gone... In the last month I have seen her in the kitchen window I don't know how many times... as I came into the porch because most time that was where she was standing looking out watch us there... I miss getting a hug from her... but with that thought I also think how many time she would ask why so many kisses and hugs... and I would always answer that I needed to get lots of them stored up because if she goes away I will have them to keep me going for a little while... well sadly to say it didn't work...I believe that all those hugs and kisses were used up to get me through saying good bye to her...

I have places a photo of mom and dad on my desk top.. so each morning when I turn my computer on... they are the first I say good morning to and most nights to say good night too... Flo had taken one of mom after Dr Boucher removed skin cancer from her cheek that I loved... she sent it to me... that is on the wall next to the computer... then I have a frame with two smaller photos of mom and me and then one of Patsy Ann kissing Dad ...

I had to have some recent photos of mom and dad because the ones that were on the stairs were really old ones... I have gone through almost every photo I have here looking for pictures of mom... and most of them I have cried over and tried to remember why they were taken... more tears....

I pass the grave yard every day and the few times I have gone I have left red eyed and sadder then I was before going up.... so now I just pass the grave yard and give mom a little wave and I love you ...

I think of her every day... missing her every minute... wish that for a moment she was here... and then cry because of it....

I have survived the lose of my husband... I have survived the lose of my mother in law... and I know that I will survive this lose in time... but I am still counting the days that she has not been in my life... the moments I would think mom would have liked it or smile at the reaction to something that she didn't like...

The other night I went up to the house and sat in her chair almost half expecting her to come around the corner to claim it back.. but she didn't and as I drove home I thought of it again and walked into the house red eyed ... I am thankful for having a very understanding man in my life...

I wish a wish
that will never come true

I dream a dream
that is impossible...

I hope
knowing that all the hope
will give me no results

I still see you waiting there
I still hear your laughter
and see the tears...
I see your smile
and loving look
I feel your hands on my cheeks
or on my neck to warm them up
Your arms as they go around my neck
saying hello, I missed you, where have you been
why has it taken so long.

I see, I hear, I feel them all
but they are all from memory
no matter how much I wish,
no matter how much I dream
or hope or pray

You are so missed ...

Spring has Pased but Still Here In This House

When I was a good mother and a good wife... and that is some time ago.... every spring while the boys were off to school and the hubbie was off to work I would spend my days for weeks cleaning the house... something that was once called Spring Clean...washing walls, cleaning Windows... getting the drawers and closets fixed up for another season... I am sure there is some people that actually still do it... I have not for a very long time ... usually the only time there is any amount of cleaning around here is when I am tired of a room and have decided to re paint it... and that has not been for a few years...

Then last week I walked into my bedroom looked at the room and said out of surprise to myself this room needs a spring cleaning... smack me upside the head and tell me that I am crazy.. but almost every time I came into the room I said the same thing... yesterday it came close I almost got the bucket and rag out and started but decided Transformer 2 was more interesting then doing walls, windows, fixing things up in the room... well the movie couldn't have been all that interesting I had a nap instead... and since I am a morning person to do things... not saying that I am a morning person, person but just like things that I have to do in the morning... by the time I got up from my nap it was too late to start it... though when I am alone at night and get it in my head I could be doing house work at 2 am as well... I am crazy that way you know...

So this morning while I was playing farmtown on facebook... yes ladies and gentlemen I am addicted to the program.. what can I say... any way I kept looking over to when the air conditioner was which was right behind my head which is way not good for me to be sleeping with... I knew I had to move my bed which in itself is a job... so if I am going to move the bed why the heck not... and down stairs I went for water, soap and a rag.. and actually washed down the first part of the bed room... curtains are in the washer.. bedclothes are waiting in line to get their scrub down and everything else has been cleaned...

I have a few cubby holes up here and to my amazement I found some things that I received.. like the wonder album box that I got from Rebecca and Matthew a few years ago for my birthday... and never got around to doing anything with it... when Robin announced the coming of Caleb I was in the storage area looking for two things... Hoppy (you remember him Robin) and Lise ( which was a teddy bear that Lisette gave to Robin when he was younger) . They were to be washed up and passed on to Robin for the baby... well wish what I found them this morning.. maybe they will get there for the next one... I also found the candle lamp that I bought on one of my outings with Yvette which I just put on the floor to keep it from getting knocked over, kicked it and it is not in pieces in the garbage.. duh me... and 1/2 of the pages for the cook book are on one of the shelves on my night stand.. maybe that should be the next thing I get done around here... would make hundreds of sheets disappear really quickly...

Well that is what I have been up to for the last while.. just trying to get through the days... I do drop in to see mom once in a while.. not every day can't take that ... motions get the best of my when I do.. but when I have something to tell her or some news she is one of the first to know about it... dad is doing okay... he has some very rough days but he is getting through it... not sure what the 29 of July is going to be like for him.. but we will get through it like everything else...

I do have to say belated Happy Birthday to Danie.. I do hope it was a good one... I thought of it before I got on the computer and it disappeared again... something I didn't write down to remember...

Well have a great day guys I am off to see if I can get the rest of the room done this morning or it will have to wait until morning again.... left the worst for last... the computer side of the room...

Joanne

Going to Be A Nanna Again... WOW Fast huh!!!!

So now that it is official... I can say something... like is there any fun in that... there is also a correction on one of the last blogs... Rebecca`s little bean is not the youngest of the great grandchildren... Amanda`s bean is... And I am going to be a grandmother again and to think 2 years ago I didn`t think I was ever going to be one...

So like I have always told the twins the oldest you learn from ... the second and third in my case you correct your mistakes... so this time I am not going into the baby knitting nutty thing... I am still working on three size 4 sweaters for Caleb... so until I get the second official word from Robin and Amanda (because the last time the first one was wrong) as to what the baby is I am not going out and getting yarn of any kind or picking up anything for bean number 2...

The blog that was started this morning:

I was just told it was the first day of summer...Wow I thought the first day of Spring was not that long ago... Up until today for the last few months time seem to be going way too slow for me...

While waiting for my car to get its check up I thought I would start the blog... the last week has been a roller coaster of emotions... and it is not stopping very much... one minute all is great the next minute Carl is wondering what he did to get me going again... the poor man has had to put up with all of this... thank God he is a good man....

I guess I start it off in the morning because for the longest time I would get up and as I am getting my glasses to move around there always have been a thank you for allowing me to get up to face another day and that my mom and dad are still in my life... now for the moment it is thoughts of mom... and how I miss here.. but throughout the day I do thank Him for having my dad still here to help me get through all of this... and most days when he comes back with April I am there to say hello with a kiss and a hug and steal a little talk when no one else is looking...

Yesterday was Father`s Day and as usual this family gathered together ... Flo made a awesome seafood chowder for the family... and Pat made a wonderful egg white (bird nest) dessert.... Of course none of us over ate at all.. ya right that would be a first.... thank God there is not too many of those gatherings... there would go my weight again... ohhh wait it went any way... back on watching what I am eat today... There are photos of the day but I didn`t upload them yet... but I will and put them up for all of you that was not here... then after lunch I had to go home to pick up dinner for Carl`s family... Flo making lunch a surprise Carl and I ended up with seafood twice yesterday... I made a seafood lasagna... rich food kills me... good but to top the dinner off Susan made a homemade ice cream cake very good, very deadly and I paid for it last night....
I actually think it was all the rick food eating that did it..

Carl is back to work today ... but not far enough for him to be away... so he will be home at night time...hmmmm which actually means I have to be home to make dinner for him.. .now that is a change... me making an evening meal... that doesn`t happen all that often when he is away....He took the week of mom`s death off... and then last week he had off because the work he does was not ready for him actually if it was not for another department of his office he wouldn`t be working as well but they had a job up this way and needed his help.. thank you very much... but that was not why I was writing about him.. it was last week I wanted to talk about.. I had not even finishing up last year`s plant removal when all of this started and in the mood I was in was not planning on doing it for a while... but Carl went out and got all of that fixed up... tilled and weeded all the flower beds for me... and must more around the yard...So when people tell me that my flower beds are great looking... I have to be honest about it all and say thanks to Carl they are... I bought two lamb`s ear plants and only got one planted... so you know the garden is out the window as well this year... we picked up some tomato plants and actually put them in the flower beds... because if you leave it up to me to water them all the way down the lawn they would never survive .... they do have a chance up this way ....So Carl is back to work and I am going to have to get backside in gear and keep up the flower beds... not sure if it going to happen but there could be a change... just need to force myself outside a few times and I should be back to my old self... what ever that is...

Well the blog I wrote this morning has about 10 more pages but I am not going to bore you all with all the details maybe another day... have a great one... tomorrow I am painting... will post photos ... Joanne

Some Healing Time

As promised but like usual late...

Master Costa... is the youngest of the Great grandchildren he is Monique youngest child...

And Nanna Vet who has so little time with him because he is in Montreal and she is her in New Brunswick took the time with him at every chance she had....

And this little one... and I am not talking about the one is the peach... the green ladies and gentlemen I am very happy and proud to say is my first grandchild... Caleb... as like Vet I have had very little time with him... but things are going to change on that one...

Caleb and Costa... not pleased that they are out of Mom/s arms but together...

Danie and Papa (when Danie comes home there is at least one photo of them together)

A kiss for you

And a kiss back to you...

Hey I want in on this.... (Lise)

Of course there is more munching going around here...

And as usually Danie has her little chat with Papa....

I need to correct something here.... Costa is not the youngest great grandchild attending this gathering... the youngest has no name.. nor face or sex... the bean is still growing in baby girl.... though Aunty is hoping for a little pink one... we will take what we can get and love it as we love all the grandchildren and great great grandchild...

As I said in the beginning of these blogs the gathering that day was out of sadness but I hope there was some healing through out the day... even if it was a little bit... because it was so great to see all the family together gathered in honor of someone we have loved for so long and even today as I sit here trying to type miss her so very much....

Now some people may think this is nuts but I am going to tell you any way.,... my mom is buried by the road... which Roger noticed and was very pleased about... because for many years mom use to sit in the front porch watching everything and everybody go by... often wondering who they were and why they were there...and more often sat in the porch or stood by the window of the door watching and waiting for the jeep to come back home when dad was out doing something always worrying that something might have gone wrong.... we placed some flower on her gravel this week... because she always loved flowers and often came out to weed with who ever was out there weeding.... and yesterday I placed a small humming bird feeder in the planter in hopes that one or two hummers will stop by to visit with her when we are not there...

One more thing that mom loved and we will never be able to do with her again was to touch... she loved it when someone was holding her hand... (which dad did for most of the day in the end) giving her a hug... or a kiss... and each day I go and sit with her... hoping that a hand cames out so I could just touch it once more....

The tears do flow very easy at this moment and I am sure they will for a very long time.... the pain no the emptiness in my heart is very strong at the moment... and it will be there for a long time I am sure.... but the one thing I will always be thankful for is the time I took to spend with my mom even when it was just to sit for 5 minutes to hold her hand, rub her feet or just lay (or is that lie not sure) my head on her knee so she could run her fingers through this mess of hair...

Session is done thanks for listening... Joanne

The Day After We Still Can Smile

Through the past week many tears, many memories come across our lips as we thought of our mother who passed away quietly on June 6, 2010 after 87 years of life... though her life was long our lost was painful and we miss her so very much....

Today was one of those says that mom would have called a perfect day... the sun shine, the warm was perfect and a slight breeze to keep the black flies aways... well almost all away...

So Carl and I went down to the wharf and picked up almost 100 pounds of lobsters... and spent most of the afternoon cooking them ask the family slowly came to gather at our homestead.... and some of our neighbors who were more like family then those who live across the way...

We took this day even though our hearts are still filled with sadness because of our great lost.

We took the time to have a great many smiles, laughter, lots of hugs and kisses for each other...

lobster, salads and refreshments...

Dad arrived after a well deserved nap this afternoon...

Pat got dad some special beer ....

And through out the afternoon the seat next to him was never empty as each of us came by to talk a little... smile.. and of course what he loved the most our hugs and kisses....

And little Costa slept his way through the afternoon with all the activity going on....

And many stood by as yet another lot of lobsters were cooking....all waiting for that special announcement....

Hubert took over my job of taking the cooked lobster out of the pot to cool them down...

And finally all were cooked and the announce was almost made.....

Hubert cracked all the lobsters that went on the table... so no one had too much of a problem to eat....

And eating with one picnic table meant where ever you could find a place.....

And then there were those who couldn't eat these delicious little creations....

And others sat and waited for their turn at the table....

Or made their own table....

Danie stood with bottle in hand and thanked everyone that took part in making this afternoon the one it became...

And Like a true New Brunswick er... she took her toast...

he he ....

There are more photos... but the time is growing late... so tomorrow there will be more... especially photos of our two new addictions to our family...

To end this I would like to copy a poem that Lisette read in Mass yesterday....

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak

at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

from the beginning... to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth

and spoke the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all

was the "dash" between those years.

For that dash represents all the time

that she spent alive on earth ...

and now only those who loved her

know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;

the cars... the house... the cash,

what matters is how we live and love

and who we spend out "dash".

So think about this long and hard

are these things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left,

that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough

to consider what's true and real

and always try to understand

the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,

and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives

like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,

and more often wear a smile...

remembering that this special "dash"

might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read

with your life's actions to rehash...

would you be proud to the things they say

about how you spent your "dash?