Dealing With The Last Month

Did I fall asleep and forgot to get up because tonight while I was sitting here doing my bills I realized that it is a month today that mom has been gone... In the last month I have seen her in the kitchen window I don't know how many times... as I came into the porch because most time that was where she was standing looking out watch us there... I miss getting a hug from her... but with that thought I also think how many time she would ask why so many kisses and hugs... and I would always answer that I needed to get lots of them stored up because if she goes away I will have them to keep me going for a little while... well sadly to say it didn't work...I believe that all those hugs and kisses were used up to get me through saying good bye to her...

I have places a photo of mom and dad on my desk top.. so each morning when I turn my computer on... they are the first I say good morning to and most nights to say good night too... Flo had taken one of mom after Dr Boucher removed skin cancer from her cheek that I loved... she sent it to me... that is on the wall next to the computer... then I have a frame with two smaller photos of mom and me and then one of Patsy Ann kissing Dad ...

I had to have some recent photos of mom and dad because the ones that were on the stairs were really old ones... I have gone through almost every photo I have here looking for pictures of mom... and most of them I have cried over and tried to remember why they were taken... more tears....

I pass the grave yard every day and the few times I have gone I have left red eyed and sadder then I was before going up.... so now I just pass the grave yard and give mom a little wave and I love you ...

I think of her every day... missing her every minute... wish that for a moment she was here... and then cry because of it....

I have survived the lose of my husband... I have survived the lose of my mother in law... and I know that I will survive this lose in time... but I am still counting the days that she has not been in my life... the moments I would think mom would have liked it or smile at the reaction to something that she didn't like...

The other night I went up to the house and sat in her chair almost half expecting her to come around the corner to claim it back.. but she didn't and as I drove home I thought of it again and walked into the house red eyed ... I am thankful for having a very understanding man in my life...

I wish a wish
that will never come true

I dream a dream
that is impossible...

I hope
knowing that all the hope
will give me no results

I still see you waiting there
I still hear your laughter
and see the tears...
I see your smile
and loving look
I feel your hands on my cheeks
or on my neck to warm them up
Your arms as they go around my neck
saying hello, I missed you, where have you been
why has it taken so long.

I see, I hear, I feel them all
but they are all from memory
no matter how much I wish,
no matter how much I dream
or hope or pray

You are so missed ...